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Seymour Gams: A Biography

Seymour Gams had an uneasy upbringing. He dissected already dead animals as a child. He started drinking alcohol at the young age of 14, suffering from extremely low-self esteem. His parents divorced when he was 18, after years of constant fighting. That’s when Seymour committed his first murder, killing Steven Hicks, a 19-year old hitchhiker, after they had spent time together at Gams’s house. Gams was quoted as having said “I killed him, because I didn’t want him to leave.” Apparently Hicks didn’t want to stay. What else was there to do? Seymour went on to attend Ohio State U, but dropped out after only one term. So, naturally he turned to the US Armed forces, where he was to serve a 6 year enlistment. But he was discharged for his alcoholism after only 2 years. When the Army discharged Seymour Gams, he was given a plane ticket to go anywhere, he told police he couldn’t go home to face his father, so he headed to Miami Beach because he was tired of the cold. He spent some time there soaking in the sun, and pan-handling, since his only skills were dissecting small animals and no vet would take him. Gams decided to move in with his grandma in Wisconsin, and live there for a few years. But even grandma couldn’t help him when he was arrested for exposing himself at a state fair. Eventually people got tired of his constant sexual deviancy and public nudity, so he had to serve 10 months of a year term in prison. Getting out early for good behavior, it didn’t take very long for him to be arrested for sexually fondling a 13-year-old Laotian boy in Milwaukee, for which he served 10 more months of another one year sentence in a work release camp. He was then transferred to a work release program in Virginia, where he worked in the dish room at Colonial Williamsburg, in the King’s Arms Tavern. There his good behavior got him promoted to pantry worker. He was dealing out rice puddings and peanut soups with a smile, working alongside his beautiful older sister. Once the terms of his work release were over however, he decided to stay in Williamsburg. He had an unusual fascination with presidential heads - the bigger the better. So he now works at the front desk of a hotel that sits on the outskirts of the President Heads park. Taking release during his smoke breaks, gazing solemnly, if not wistfully, at Lincoln’s Huge head just beyond the fence.

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