I left work late today (unpaid at that, yay salary!) pissed off due to the very little bit of caring for their job and others my coworkers seem to possess. I come in to work and am immediately pissed off due to my coworkers attitudes, their lack of ability they seem to hold to do their jobs correctly, and the bloated expectations of my guests who seem to be the only ones uninformed that they are staying at a Days Inn in Williamsburg. While this all occurs my two best friends, my sister, and their friends were spending the night at a Rocky Horror performance. I would have called out and gone with them but being the only one in this building with integrity, I couldn't get myself to pick up the phone all day and call.
1 A.M. hits and I finally have the opportunity to sit down. I step outside and flop myself in a chair near a window so I can watch my desk and hear if the phone blows up with calls like it had been for the past two hours. Fumbling through my pocket I find my pack of cigarettes and light one with a pack of matches from the gas station; matches because I am tired of guests stealing my lighter everytime I leave it on the wicker table for the slightest moment. I know I shouldn't be smoking, for obvious and some not so obvious reasons, but it calms my anxiety. I finally decided to go back to a psyictrist so I can get on medication that will serve the same purpose without the side effect of increasing my already high chances of dying of cancer. Except I can't because the four doctors I found covered by insurance have proven to be useless. The first whose number I got off of my insurance's website reached someone's home number, the second wasn't answering their phone, and the third and fourth I left a message with to call me back. They did and was told the soonest I could see either of them would be August 16th, this was two or three weeks ago when I called. I wrote down their names and the receptionist so when I go in an anxiety induced killing spree I can check them off my list.
I inhale slowly and exhale, rinse and repeat. I calm myself down after a few minutes and dial my boyfriends number. He's upset, had a worse day then I, and has been trying to get in contact with me since I got to work shortly after 11:00PM. He answers and is clearly not in the best of moods. We talk for a little while, I apologize for my busyness, he understands but doesn't show it in the best way. His voice is cracking slightly, like he is about to yell or cry. We talk for a few minutes, basic "How was your day?" exchanges. I'm worried... I always am really. I put him on hold three times in a row because the doltish woman with the Louis Vuitton bag, staying here free because she is touring a cheap timeshare tommorrow, can't figure out how to work her phone. I get back to him the last time and he he's hung up. I call him back and well... he tried to break up with me. He can't handle this, needs someone to be with him at night. I understand completely... I was getting used to someone filling my bed but I have patience. I can get through hell to get five minutes or a lifetime of heaven.
Patience is not something he was blessed with and he's been dealing with it in surplus. At the end of September, begining of October, when my lease runs out I am packing my things up and moving to Rockville to be with him. The other thing that is keeping him and I waiting is my job but at this point I'd quit tomorrow, they've got all that they can suck out of me, I'm done. Recently he started culinary school (the other reason I am moving up to Rockville) and is working so I am no longer able to go up on my week ends to see him. I've grown acustomed to being alone... I live alone in the middle of nowhere, I am the only employee in the building during my shift, and even with a few close good friends I've always felt alone. Overtime you get used to the cold and are shocked when someone points it out to you. He is nothing like me in that regard. He has a roommate who is a fan of parties, works with a few dozen people (half whom he seems to consider friends), and now goes to school in D.C. surrounded by people. Ever since he has started school he's been getting more and more upset by the notion that he still has to wait two months for me and doesn't get to see me on a weekly basis. The more upset he is by other things, the more this issue seems to be the topic of our conversation.
I try to to explain to him it is only two months left... that if he loves me he should be able to endure that. He doesn't seem to be willing to listen to logic. I become, maybe rudely, honest. He decided to go to school this semester without talking to me about it. It's not my schedule that is keeping us appart these two remaining months. I didn't argue it because it is his life and I was proud of him but it hurt, knowing this would happen. It's his money and life situation that caused him to have to move from Norfolk, an hour away, to Fredricksburg and now Rockville.
After waiting for an hour or two for him to call me back, he finally did. What can you say to a person who made a decision, who came to a conclusion? I layed out the cards, I explained his decision and his reasons to him from a perspective outside his own.Tried to make him see that his view was only through is own window and that he was jumping off a moving train that he'd started knowing that it'd never reach its destination but kept that knowledge to himself. I was hoping that maybe he'd understand this, whether he changed his mind or his viewpoint, I just needed him to understand this. He threw cliches at me, cliches you never throw at someone if you've had them smack you in the face before. I called him on it, how could we be friends if you can't handle me being more than your friend? At this point I was over it, he wouldn't let me fight for him if I tried... it would be futile. Now all I wanted him to do was understand the situation outside himself. In what seems like a whim he threw me away, threw us away, threw my future, and our future away. He said is goodbyes, his closing arguements, and I said mine. I told him I loved him for what it was worth, that I don't hate him and I refuse to, and I asked for a favour... don't do this to someone else, learn from it, and don't put someone through this again.
I've matured faster than I should have and it's done nothing but bite me in the ass. I haven't been able to date anyone my age because I don't feel like they are in the same place as me, they don't understand me and want different things. I thought he was an exception but apparently the aura of maturity around him was just another one of his shields protecting himself from the people who hurt him and only hurting the people who love him in the long run. Anger at a person for being who they are is misplaced and fruitless. The victim is not just me here, I am mature enough to understand that, this break up hurts him too. The difference is he gets to lick his wounds, be sad for a little while, but eventually he won't have the time or energy to keep onto those feelings, and I will just become a small passage in an early chapter of his life. I get to go home back to being alone, nothing to distract me from the emptiness I now have both physically and emotionally. I'll have two months to sit around and mope and try and pick up the pieces of a future I was so close to having. Another death to deal with, just not another person for once. That is until my Grandmother's hourglass runs out of sand in the upcoming weeks.
What do you do when your future ceases to exist? What do you do when you have two months to plan your life and future... that you never wanted?
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tired
sad
loved
bitchy
rejected
cold
chipper
numb
drained
amused
creative
dorky
annoyed
